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Pointers for Men

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system.

Simple Duties
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You make the bed........................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.............. 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.............................-1
You leave the toilet seat up............................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty....................... 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.............-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom.......-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings..+5
But return with beer....................................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night............................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing....................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something.....................+5
You pummel it with a six iron...........................................+10
It's her father.........................................................-10


Social Engagements
-----------------
You stay by her side the entire party................................... 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college
drinking buddy.......................................................-2
Named Tiffany...........................................................-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....................................................-6
Tiffany has implants....................................................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly.......+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat
her on the rump......................................................-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you
think she is attractive, you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as
attractive as you"...................................................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's
attractive, you say, "Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"..................-6
That woman is her sister................................................-90
You have one drink, and that's it....................................... 0
You have more than a few and perform the tango with a poodle............-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted..........-18


Saturday Afternoon
------------------
You go to the mall together.............................................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the
car..................................................................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive
to a sports bar.........................................................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it.........+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional........ 0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk ..................+3
Most of it chips and beer ..............................................-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den..........+15
Or refinishing the floors...............................................+16
Or rewiring the basement................................................+17
Or adding a second floor................................................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket............-6
And you're tickled pink about it........................................-15
You visit her parents................................................... 0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ...................+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television .............-3
And the television is off...............................................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear.....-6
And you didn't even go to college.......................................-10
And it's not your underwear.............................................-15

Her Birthday
------------
You take her out to dinner.............................................. 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar ...................+1
Okay, it is a sports bar................................................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night..........................................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is
painted the colors of your favorite team.............................-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant and hire a guitar player............+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up
and sing................................................................+4
If you stink............................................................+2
If you're not half bad..................................................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted
out to much applause.................................................-2
You give her a gift..................................................... 0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance .........................-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance .....................+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate.............................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months ...............+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day..............-10
With her credit card....................................................-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big ...........................-40

Thoughtfulness
--------------
You forget her birthday completely...........................-20
You forget your anniversary..................................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station.................-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...............................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast..................-60

A Night At Home
---------------
You watch TV together......................................... 0
You rent a movie..............................................+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY ................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout .......+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep..................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool .......-2

A Night Out
-----------
You take her to a movie.......................................+2
You take her to a movie she likes.............................+4
You take her to a movie you hate .............................+6
You take her to a movie you like..............................-2
It's called DeathCop 3........................................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex.............................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans .......-15

Flowers
-------
You buy her flowers only when it's expected................... 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it ..+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself ....+30
And she contracts Lyme disease...............................-25

Your Physique
-------------
You develop a noticeable potbelly.................................-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts..........................................-5

Finances
--------
You spend a lot of money on something impractical.............-5
Something she can't use......................................-10
Such a a motorized model airplane............................-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday...............-40

Driving
-------
You lost the directions on a trip.............................-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost..............-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town ...............-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up
close and personal...........................................-25
You know them................................................-60

The Big Question
----------------
She asks, "Do I look fat?" ...................................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding...................................-10
You reply, "Where?"..........................................-35

Communication
-------------
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying
what looks like a concerned expression....................... 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes.........+5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV...+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep...............-20